God Loves Women

A wonderful friend of my has written this blog, but she wishes to stay anonymous.

(Warning this blog discuses miscarrage and child loss)

Ever heard a preach on the Father heart of God? Ever heard a father preaching about how horific it would be for him to loss his son. Probably. Ever heard a mother preach about child loss? I suspect if you have it will have been less often.

I find it hard to spend any length of time in worship at present without experiencing substantial amounts of pain. God is gracious and let's me run away and run back and slowly I grieve.

God chooses to reveal himself in scripture in both terms of father and mother imagery. So here is a mothers perspective on the cross.

I had a child wrenched from my womb, I watched as I lost all ability to nurture, care and grow this precious being, watched it poor out of me. I lost the possibility of holding that child to my breast, to nurse it with its ear next to my heartbeat to stare into its face and see my own emotions mirrored back. I lost the oppertunity to suuround them with love, joy and goodness.

I had nothing to hold or bury so vast was the seperation raught between us so I buried a box of memories in a garden I will never walk with my child in. But I have hope. God gave me a picture of the future and when I get to glory there's a child waiting ready to run towards me arms wide open shouting 'mummy'. Because God's love can reach right down into the depths of this broken world. Right down to a collection of cells that could never have lived, that had the 'wrong' combination of chromosomes that lacked what it took to be a viable human. Yet still God breathes life.

Both my children have taught me so much about the love of God for us. What my child Eden has given me a glimmer of is the cataclismic pain God bears when his children are taken and the eager anticipation with which God longs to be reconciled.

Yesterday I wrote a blog sharing my horror at my children's school introducing a "Battle of the Sexes".  You can read it here.

So today I sent a letter to the Headteacher, the reading teacher, the Chair of the Governors and the Equality and Diversity team at the County Council, you can read the letter here.

I recieved a call this afternoon inviting me to meet with the Headteacher at 3pm, which I agreed to do.  I went to the school expecting to potentially have a fight on my hands, but actually that was not the case!!!  The Headteacher was utterly apologetic and acknowledged that the scheme had been thought about only from an educational point of view, missing out on the wider issues.  He thanked me for raising concerns and said that the teacher responsible for reading was quite upset at having not thought through the implications I had now raised.

He explained that the scheme was being cancelled immediately, that the children would be spoken to at Wednesdays assembly and that he would include details of the scheme's termination in the parent newsletter on Friday.  He also said that the letter I had written was the best he had ever recieved from a parent! 

So let us always remember that if we are passionate and persevere,  we can make a difference!!    

My children go to a local Church of England primary school who have embarked on the noble quest of pushing more parents to read with their children.  So far this quest has taken the form of a reading raffle every Friday, in which children who have had the reading record signed by an adult five days out of the week will be entered into a raffle in which they can win a lovely book.

I have quite a lot of problems with this reading raffle business, I feel it misses the point, parents not reading with their children has a deeper root than just a lack of a good reward for their child, but I haven’t felt it is the right battle to fight.  Until last Friday.

“Last Friday?” You ask, “What happened last Friday?”

Well, I shall tell you.  Last Friday my children arrived home with a letter from the teacher responsible for reading which said the following (and I quote):

“A big well done to all those children who were entered in the reading raffle this week.  The children had to read 10 times over the holidays [yes, you read right, over the *flipping* holidays, no rest for the wicked, or at least small children, I say…] and have their planners or reading records signed for each time [their emphasis, not mine].  I was very disappointed however that the numbers of children entering the raffle weren’t higher.  Only 34% of girls and 35% of boys were entered in the raffle this week, meaning that 2 in every 3 children seem to no be reading enough at home.  To try and raise this we have started a “Battle of the Sexes! [Yes, you did read that right…]  The gender with the higher percentage will receive 5 minutes extra play every week.  This week the boys won.  Well done boys!” [Yes, you also read correctly that they have already started this scheme].

I am utterly furious!  Who do they think they are?!  Regardless of my issues with the reading raffle and my disappointment at them rewarding children if their parents read with them, that is nothing in comparison to my shock at the decision to penalise 34% of female children even though their parents did sign their book, purely because of their gender.  While 65% of male children got extra playtime, even though their parents did *not* write in their books, purely because of their gender.

I work very hard to ensure that my children do not feel their gender is in anyway a barrier to them.  Both my 6 and 9 year old know that the broadly speaking the only differences between men and women is that women have babies and men wee standing up.  To polarise my children so thoroughly in this way, purely because of their gender is totally unjust.

As someone who works very hard on domestic violence prevention, this could not be further from the actions required of a school in promoting positive relationships.  When looking at how we promote positive relationships for younger children, it is about challenging gender stereotypes, not reinforcing that it’s boys versus girls.  For every boy in that school who was allowed extra playtime, what the school has said is, your gender allows you privilege, and for any of those boys who live in homes with an abusive man, the school has just reinforced *every* view of women that man is telling that boy.

Since Friday, I have been learning about what I can do about this situation.  Firstly I rang up the school to speak with the teacher who has sent the letter out, she wasn’t available immediately.  I rang up the County Council’s equality and diversity department to get more information from them (they are going to ring me back).  I also looked up the Equality Act 2010, which tells me that gender is a “protected characteristic” meaning that the schools actions are a form of inequality and also that potentially, from what the act says, this could be considered indirect discrimination.

Some may say I am overreacting, investigating things this thoroughly, but I do not want to be accused of being a “politically correct zealot” and so I thought I should get my facts straight.  

Tomorrow I am going to the school to request a meeting, and I am going to explain how this “Battle of the Sexes” must not be allowed to continue and ask that an explanation be sent to every parent of the “un-thought through nature” of the scheme, before next Friday (when the next raffle and gender war is to take place).  I know the school may not be particularly amenable to this suggestion, but my next stage will involve the Governors, the Vicar, other parents and perhaps even the press if necessary, so I shall keep you updated!

P.S. Since first writing this blog, I have discovered that the boys extra playtime will be awarded on Thursday and hasn't already taken place.  I am requesting the school change the scheme before this is due to take place.

Today I came across an old notebook entitled “Things God has Done”, from 2006.  I sat down and had a read and came across the following story that I had forgotten even happened!

To put it in context, I was living in the north of England, (in a place where they say “ooh it’s canny day”, a single parent of two small children, the youngest who regularly needed hospital care dues to his prematurity.  I was living on benefits (and regardless of what the Daily Mail says, this is *not* much money at all!) and generally finding life rather a struggle.

My tumble dryer blew up the other day.  It started smoking and stopped working.  I phoned my dad (who is very good at mending things, although lived two hours away at the time) and he told me there was no point in getting someone in to fix it, it wouldn’t be worth it and I should just buy a new one.  A new one was going to cost £100 and I couldn’t afford it so I had a bit of a pray and then moved on.

A few days later I was waiting for a friend to visit pushing the kids along and suddenly realised that my entire handbag had fallen off the pram and I couldn’t find it *anywhere*!!  I was utterly panicked, it had my keys, purse and the rest of my meagre life in it, and it was completely lost!

Miracle Number 1 occurred in the form of my friend arriving in her car and driving me to the letting agents to get a spare key and then driving me to the key cutting shop, so that I could actually enter my own house.  Without her it would have taken hours to get buses from place to place.

Miracle Number 2 occurred in the form of the honest man who found my bag and through marvellous detective skills had discovered my home telephone number and phoned me to offer to drop the bag back.  I was utterly delighted, as you can imagine.

Miracle Number 3 occurred when the honest man arrived to drop off my bag and as we got talking it turned out he was a qualified electrician who had a quick look at my tumble dryer and informed me he could fix it for only £15!!!  God is so so good!!

The world will tell you that your value is dependant

On things like your looks or the shape of your body

That your happiness comes through the things you buy

Or the boys…

…you date

It will try to undermine you at every turn

And try to ensure it's lies that you learn

It will tell your worth can be bought

In a pot of make up and the looks of men

Because you are female its expectations of you will shrink

It will box you and squash you and tell you not to think

Your womanhood will be demeaned and made something weak

It’ll tell you it’s a marriage and a child you seek

But listen to me lovely, don’t believe what it says

The world belongs to a liar you see

And the lies that he sells are cheap and worthless

The world lies because the truth holds such hope

If it squashes you down, then it can stay in control

But listen my daughter and hear the truth

You are utterly precious

And so so so strong

Your womanhood’s to be proud of

Not a shameful thing

Your value’s inherent

It cannot be sold or bought

It’s everything that makes you the person you are

You can be single and be successful

You can be child-free and be satisfied

You can be married and live life to the full

You can have children, if that’s what you choose

But know you have choices, that are only yours

And strength in abundance to do what you choose

There are no boxes in which you have to fit

There are no places in which you have to sit

Hear me when I say it’s hard to live out the truth

Because many people still believe the lies

They’ll ignore you, resist you and tell you you’re wrong

But I know you can make it, I know that you’re strong

Daughter you’re precious, precious beyond words

I love you, I love you

I

Love

You

I wrote this as a comment in a blog by @revarun which you can read here.  (You can read Archbishop Sentamu's full text for The Sun on Sunday on his website here)  Unfortunately my comment was too long and so I thought rather than shorten it, I would turn it into a blog of my own!  So here are my thoughts:

The Sun promotes pornography.  Would Archibishop Sentamu be happy to write a regular column on a pornography site?  I would hope not!  Jesus' response to women in the Bible was to give them equal value, to tell them they mattered.

If Christians are so desperate to get people to hear their words that they need to write for The Sun, Jesus' message has got to a pretty desperate place.  Jesus called us to make discplies, to build deep relationships and live in community with one another.  He said it is by our love for one another that people will see Him.

Rupert Murdoch's empire is not justified because a brave journalist has died.  Her choice to work for the Murdoch empire may not have been a good one, but that doesn't invalidate every area of her character, as it doesn't with Archbishop Sentamu.  But while women are abused by their husband's in part due to the false messages they are fed by media like The Sun, suggesting that women are there to be sexual objects, and while The Sun continues to be a news outlet that perpetuates prejudice, misrepresentation and sensationalim of real people's lives, as Christians we should be speaking out.

Jesus did not go into business with the tax collectors, he did not provide space for prostitution in His lodgings.  He condemned the injustice, while making the most excluded, the most broken, the most hurting feel welcomed and loved.  We do that not by writing a column in a newspaper, but by doing life with the very people who are hurting, broken and outcast and loving them so deeply they feel the very love of Jesus.

I’m a woman is all, a woman I say

Does that make me not good enough,

To be given the time of day?

"No", say You, “You’re a child of God.”

"Great!" say I, "thank you Lord!"

So I grow in that knowledge

That I’m loved by God on high

Told that I’m good enough

For Him to come and die

And I start to notice

That everywhere I go

I’m taking the lead

Helping run the show

And I hear the voice of the One who loves me

Saying I want you to lead My people

“No!” says I, “I can’t do that”

“Yes!” says He, “I’ll help you out”

“You see” says He,

“It’s not you, but Me.”

“In you and through You, I’ll bring forth the Kingdom”

“Just like Mary, who said ‘may it be done’”

“Alright" says I, "that sounds not too bad,

But only if it’s You in me and through me.”

So I start doing this leading,

Obedient to the calling of the Almighty

I get so far, then suddenly I’m told

I don’t qualify

“What?!” Says I, “Have I done something wrong?”

“No!” They say, “But you’re not a man.”

But God told me I’m actually worth loving

And God called me to lead His people

God said He would work in me and through me

Just like He did with Mary,

and Mary

and Martha

and Junia

and Deborah

and Priscilla

and those daughters of Zelophehad

So I’ll still lead and follow God’s call

No matter whether you tell me I fail the man test

But I’ll cry and hurt that some fellow believers

Tell me I’m just not good enough

Today I was sat tweeting in Costa while my phone charged and suddenly I heard a woman’s voice slightly raised on the table next to me.  I turned to see a man with his back to me and a woman on the other side of the table, talking to him,

“You’ve hit me before!  What you want me to stop talking so loud?!  Don’t you think people should know what you’ve done?”  

Suddenly my entire attention became focused on the table next to me and the interaction of the two people sitting there.  What could I do?  How could I let this woman know that there’s help out there?  That what he's doing to her is wrong?  I decided to wait, and pray for an opportunity to speak to her.  

And as I sat there waiting and praying, all I could do was listen to the conversation unfolding next to me.

Her: “Why do you keep doing this to me?  You said you’d stop drinking!  You keep doing all these things to me”

Him: “I came here expecting you were going to apologise to me, and you’re trying to make it all my fault!”  

He kept employing the “quiet voice” tactic; keeping his voice low, so she sounds like a hysterical woman to everyone else, while he whispers offensive names and other nasty things under his breath.  

Her: “I just want to fix things, I know it’s not always you, it is partly me…”

Him: “You’re always making it worse, why do you make it worse…?!”

I sat there, praying and asking others on twitter to pray,  that I would have the opportunity to speak to her.  At one point she got up, ready to leave, but he convinced her to sit back down.  I packed up my bag and wrote a note with my name, email, address, phone number and the details of Lundy Bancroft’s book "Why Does He Do That?"

She was so articulate and so good at putting across her point.  And yet he constantly undermined her.  

So I waited and prayed and prayed and waited.  And eventually she stood up to leave.  He stayed sat down and she walked away, I stood up and gave her my note and told her I might be able to help, that she could contact me.  The man stayed sat down and didn’t follow her so I walked down the stairs and said to her,

“I work with domestic abuse, I might be able to help.  My ex-husband was abusive…I’ve written down a book that might help you on that note.”

She looked at me and quickly said, “Oh no!  It’s not domestic abuse!  It’s just unresolved issues, that’s all!”  Then she hurried off.

I walked towards my train, heartbroken again by the reality of how men can break women so totally, without consequence or challenge.  Painfully aware of how I once was a woman who refused to accept my ex-husband was abusive.  The sadness I felt was heavy and consuming.

And yet, even in that pain and sadness, I praised God that I was able to give her some information.  That an opportunity was provided and just maybe this opportunity will enable the woman to move forward.  I will continue to believe there is hope, that she can be restored and freed.

I got home, my heart still heavy, and began to read with hope again rising the story of how Carl Beech and Dean Gray had challenged an abusive man on the underground; I was reminded that there are men and women across the UK and beyond challenging violence against women, bringing freedom and hope to women and children.  If each one of us sees every opportunity as a chance to make a difference, we will do just that.  If each one of us doesn’t just stand by when we hear, see or learn of abuse and violence, we will make a difference!

I happened to get a text from a friend just now and even though she didn’t know about this situation she had sent me the following verse:

“But thanks be to God who gives us the victory, through our Lord Jesus Christ, therefore my beloved be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord knowing that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.” [1 Corinthians 15:57-58]

If you pray, please do pray for the woman I met today, let her and any children she has find hope and freedom and for the man who is choosing to continue abusing her to be held accountable and challenged, knowing that nothing we do for God is in vain!

I have had a couple of people feedback to me the response the recieved from ASA after complaining about the Lynx Axe advert and Hannah J who blogs here and is on twitter as @girltaristhan forwarded me the response she recieved from ASA.  Here it is:

Dear xxxxxxx

Thank you for your recent complaint about a TV ad by Unilever UK Ltd for Lynx Final Edition.  I’m sorry to hear it has caused you concern.  

The ASA can intervene if an advertisement seems likely to be in breach of The UK Code of Broadcast Advertising by, among other things, provoking serious or widespread offence, causing significant harm or misleading consumers to their detriment.  The ASA bases its judgments on the content of the ad and the medium, audience, product type and prevailing standards in society.

We have previously received a number of complaints about this ad and decided to refer them to the ASA Council for consideration.  Council acknowledged that the ad may not appeal to all viewers however, it was considered that the ad was intended to be light hearted and unlikely to be seen as mocking religion or belittling the biblical story of Noah's Ark.  Council noted that Clearcast (the organisation which approves ads prior to broadcast) had applied a scheduling restriction to the ad so that it would not be transmitted in the breaks surrounding religious programmes.  It considered that the restriction was appropriate and that the ad was unlikely to cause serious or widespread offence.

In addition, Council noted that the advertiser was continuing with the exaggerated theme of the product's desirability to women.  Although it acknowledged that some viewers might find the content of the ad distasteful, Council concluded that it was unlikely to be seen as degrading or objectifying women and was therefore not in breach of the BCAP Code.

As the Council has already reached a decision on this ad there is no further action we can take.  We have however already made the advertiser aware of the issues that have been raised.

I realise that this outcome will disappoint you, but thank you for taking the time to contact us with your views.  Our website, www.asa.org.uk, contains information about us and the work we do.

Kind regards

Laura Walker

Complaints Executive

My thoughts:

1) ASA and Clearcast seem to be suggesting that the only people who would be offended by the mocking of the sacred story of Noah are religious people who watch "religious programme".  Now as much as I know Songs of Praise is cherished by some Christians, it is not really my cup of tea, and I strugle with the stereotyping.

2) ASA have said that if something is "lighthearted" then that makes it unlikely to cause offence.  So if we had "lighthearted" adverts promoting racist attitudes, that would be okay would it?  Or "lighthearted" adverts promoting discrimination against disabled people, it wouldn't be a problem?  Of course it's not okay, but the reality is that sexist attitudes towards women are seen as not offensive and the "can't you take a joke?" attitude is used regularly to shut down anyone who objects.

3) The idea that something has to cause "widespread" offence for something to actually be considered offensive is ridiculous.  A woman is assaulted every 6 seconds in the UK, this should be causing widespread offence.  It is not, because the attitudes and beliefs people hold mean they minimise it and consider it "nothing to do with them".

4) It appears that this advert has continued to be shown because Lynx have been so outrageous in their depictions.  Perhaps if the women in the advert were slightly more clothed, it would have been less acceptable!

5) ASA are saying that once a decision has been taken on something, they cannot review that decision.  Obviously this seems like a senseless idea.  There is no reason they cannot take the new complaints that have come forward and re-examine the issues people are raising.

I think this email shows us how large the battle we are fighting is .  If it is only through "widespread" public offence that we can get adverts removed, we need to be raising public consiousness to such a level that sexism is not only noticed, but also challenged.

They say the last thing a fish will ever notice is water.  And in a sense with the all pervasive nature attitudes of women in our culture, we have a massive work on our hands to get the majority to recognise the "water" that is all around them.  Thank goodness we don't have to do this by ourselves!  We have Him who is able to do more than we could ask or imagine helping us.

My heart was broken afresh by Jesus today as I read Luke 6 and the account of Jesus, the Pharisees and the man with the withered hand.  As I walked home from dropping the kids off at school I was reading this passage and suddenly my heart broke again.  Thankfully I didn’t see anyone as I wandered along crying as the reality hit me.  This is what I saw:

The Pharisees are sat in the places of importance, looking on and judging this miracle man preacher.

He preaches and preaches and challenges their comfort, until He sees one that all know is tainted.

His hand is all withered, all know because of sin.

The sinner's eyes focus downwards: “don’t make eye contact, don’t make eye contact, lest they sneer at my pain…”

The important ones focus their attention more closely, what would the preacher man want…

…with a sinner so useless?

And He reaches out His hand to the sinner, the man so tainted, his hand all withered.

The important ones look on, shocked at the possibility; He wasn’t going to heal him, was he?!

On a Sabbath no less?!

How disgusting, how despicable, to break the laws of the Sabbath, He deserves to be stoned, doing such evil in the Synagogue.

And as they look on with hearts made of stone, the preacher man’s heart is breaking once more…

…as the pain of the outcast, the judged and the sinner, means nothing to the important, just reminds them they are purer.

As the preacher man’s heart cries for the pain of the broken man, and His anger grows against those who would judge.

He speaks to this outcast, this sinner, this failure…

…the man looks up, shocked that anyone would bother.

The preacher man’s eyes glisten with tears and with anger and broken hearted passion he shouts,

“I ask you is it lawful to do good on the Sabbath, or to do evil….

…to SAVE a life, OR TO DESTROY IT?”

The important ones look on, completely disgusted, his words not even hitting their hearts…

…as the preacher man heals the sinner’s hand, and with it He also restores His whole being.

As the important ones seethe and whisper their murder plans, while the no longer an outcast man hugs this preacher man hard.

And the preacher man cries as He looks at His creation and knows it’s going to take something more…

…more than healing to break hearts of stone, more than words to pierce minds blockaded.  

He weeps inside with love for them all.