God Loves Women

Me and the Lord had a couple of days away and He showed me so much.  Here's a poem I wrote about one of the things He showed me:

A life drawn with pencil

So it could be rubbed out

With only three colours

To lay on my page:

Black; dying soul, destroyed by others

Red; bleeding heart, bleeding wrist, life source dripping away

Grey; creeping sighs and mist covered everything

Black

Red

Grey

THAT

Was

Me

But…

I am no longer THAT

Colours galore, colours true

Colours fresh, colours new

A life full of colours, full of laughter

With permanent marker, for ever and after

I’m no longer bound by black, red and grey

I’m free, I’m alive, with new colours each day

As you look at my pages

My life 2D

The change in colours

Is astonishing to see

Where once there was pencil

And black, red and grey

There is now a rainbow

New day by day

The colours of life and freedom and hope

Of love and of beauty and learning to cope

Of kindnesses offered and given away

Of Light and of Mercy and new Grace everyday

The world will tell you that your value is dependant

On things like your looks or the shape of your body

That your happiness comes through the things you buy

Or the boys…

…you date

It will try to undermine you at every turn

And try to ensure it's lies that you learn

It will tell your worth can be bought

In a pot of make up and the looks of men

Because you are female its expectations of you will shrink

It will box you and squash you and tell you not to think

Your womanhood will be demeaned and made something weak

It’ll tell you it’s a marriage and a child you seek

But listen to me lovely, don’t believe what it says

The world belongs to a liar you see

And the lies that he sells are cheap and worthless

The world lies because the truth holds such hope

If it squashes you down, then it can stay in control

But listen my daughter and hear the truth

You are utterly precious

And so so so strong

Your womanhood’s to be proud of

Not a shameful thing

Your value’s inherent

It cannot be sold or bought

It’s everything that makes you the person you are

You can be single and be successful

You can be child-free and be satisfied

You can be married and live life to the full

You can have children, if that’s what you choose

But know you have choices, that are only yours

And strength in abundance to do what you choose

There are no boxes in which you have to fit

There are no places in which you have to sit

Hear me when I say it’s hard to live out the truth

Because many people still believe the lies

They’ll ignore you, resist you and tell you you’re wrong

But I know you can make it, I know that you’re strong

Daughter you’re precious, precious beyond words

I love you, I love you

I

Love

You

I’m a woman is all, a woman I say

Does that make me not good enough,

To be given the time of day?

"No", say You, “You’re a child of God.”

"Great!" say I, "thank you Lord!"

So I grow in that knowledge

That I’m loved by God on high

Told that I’m good enough

For Him to come and die

And I start to notice

That everywhere I go

I’m taking the lead

Helping run the show

And I hear the voice of the One who loves me

Saying I want you to lead My people

“No!” says I, “I can’t do that”

“Yes!” says He, “I’ll help you out”

“You see” says He,

“It’s not you, but Me.”

“In you and through You, I’ll bring forth the Kingdom”

“Just like Mary, who said ‘may it be done’”

“Alright" says I, "that sounds not too bad,

But only if it’s You in me and through me.”

So I start doing this leading,

Obedient to the calling of the Almighty

I get so far, then suddenly I’m told

I don’t qualify

“What?!” Says I, “Have I done something wrong?”

“No!” They say, “But you’re not a man.”

But God told me I’m actually worth loving

And God called me to lead His people

God said He would work in me and through me

Just like He did with Mary,

and Mary

and Martha

and Junia

and Deborah

and Priscilla

and those daughters of Zelophehad

So I’ll still lead and follow God’s call

No matter whether you tell me I fail the man test

But I’ll cry and hurt that some fellow believers

Tell me I’m just not good enough

My heart was broken afresh by Jesus today as I read Luke 6 and the account of Jesus, the Pharisees and the man with the withered hand.  As I walked home from dropping the kids off at school I was reading this passage and suddenly my heart broke again.  Thankfully I didn’t see anyone as I wandered along crying as the reality hit me.  This is what I saw:

The Pharisees are sat in the places of importance, looking on and judging this miracle man preacher.

He preaches and preaches and challenges their comfort, until He sees one that all know is tainted.

His hand is all withered, all know because of sin.

The sinner's eyes focus downwards: “don’t make eye contact, don’t make eye contact, lest they sneer at my pain…”

The important ones focus their attention more closely, what would the preacher man want…

…with a sinner so useless?

And He reaches out His hand to the sinner, the man so tainted, his hand all withered.

The important ones look on, shocked at the possibility; He wasn’t going to heal him, was he?!

On a Sabbath no less?!

How disgusting, how despicable, to break the laws of the Sabbath, He deserves to be stoned, doing such evil in the Synagogue.

And as they look on with hearts made of stone, the preacher man’s heart is breaking once more…

…as the pain of the outcast, the judged and the sinner, means nothing to the important, just reminds them they are purer.

As the preacher man’s heart cries for the pain of the broken man, and His anger grows against those who would judge.

He speaks to this outcast, this sinner, this failure…

…the man looks up, shocked that anyone would bother.

The preacher man’s eyes glisten with tears and with anger and broken hearted passion he shouts,

“I ask you is it lawful to do good on the Sabbath, or to do evil….

…to SAVE a life, OR TO DESTROY IT?”

The important ones look on, completely disgusted, his words not even hitting their hearts…

…as the preacher man heals the sinner’s hand, and with it He also restores His whole being.

As the important ones seethe and whisper their murder plans, while the no longer an outcast man hugs this preacher man hard.

And the preacher man cries as He looks at His creation and knows it’s going to take something more…

…more than healing to break hearts of stone, more than words to pierce minds blockaded.  

He weeps inside with love for them all.

October 2010

As the months go by

And the grass roots grow

Past the scorching sun

And the raging snow

The birthdays missed

Presents ungiven

Life goes on

No matter if you're living

Through happy days

And tears of pain

Missing the endings

And the starting again

First days of school

Uniform worn with pride

Mother, uncle, friend

No father on side

Our life has moved on

It moves further each day

In each of our memories

You're fading away

You kept your freedom

But lost your soul

You held onto your pride

But lost every goal

I pity you sometimes

Hate you never

But your part in our lives

Is lost forever

November 2005

Goodbye, my beauty

Who I loved with all my heart

It does not matter why it finished

It was lost before the start

Goodbye, my husband

For who I only wanted the best

But you took all my strength

I could never rest

Goodbye, my lovely

To you I gave my all

But it was not enough

You had to make me fall

Goodbye, my friend

We have shared so much

The good things will always last

To them I tried to clutch

The bad I cannot handle

The way you make me feel

Your words, actions and lies

Our fate they did seal

I wish goodbye mattered

That it would change you for the better

But that won’t be,

You cannot do it

By word or thought or letter

March 2007

One day God up in Heaven

Had a wonderful plan

‘I’ll make a patchwork quilt,’ He thought

‘In the lives of a woman and man

A quilt of such beauty

Sewn together by Me

An amazing part of my bigger plan

Different to any other it will be

So He formed the pieces

In the life of a special man

Every choice He made

Used in God’s patchwork plan

The lessons that he learned

The jobs for which he got paid

The relationships he built

The mistakes that he made

And other parts God knitted

Through the life of a woman

From her very beginning

Used in God’s patchwork plan

The roots she was given

The paths that she chose

The hurt and the triumph

The highs and the lows

God collected their pieces

And spread them on the table

He got out His special thread

And His special identity label

The pieces were sewn together

With situations and friends

With timing that was perfect

With new beginnings and necessary ends

God finished the first section

Of His patchwork quilt plan

My life’s all in there

And so is yours, my lovely man

God’s collecting more pieces

In the brand new part of our life

The part where you’re my husband

And I’m your very own wife

One day the plan will be complete

We’ll see the blanket in full

God’s patchwork quilt of our life

So amazing and beautiful

September 2005

Gashes pouring flash before my eyes

No matter how tight I shut them closed

They just get redder

They come when the tears will not

Also when they should not

It’s irrelevant though

I cannot live the flashes

The life inside me says no

The life I made says no

But the life with which I share

Just makes the flashes come

June 2006

Fighting the nasty that comes from within

Wants me cutting and ripping my skin

It comes from inside my brain

From behind the wall that hides my pain

It tells me I need the relief of a razor

I plead and it mocks, ‘no need, says her!’

It knows I cannot escape its clutch

Fighting forever, the pressure becomes too much

Will I win?

Will I beat it?

No I can’t

I’ll never defeat it

But one day God will make it leave me

The nasty that comes will no longer be

NB. God did indeed transform my life and self harm is no longer apart of it. Whoop whoop!

February 2005

Sometimes I wonder why I’m here

Why I don’t just leave or die or just be

But then I realise it’s ‘cause I’m yours

You wouldn’t have it another way

You’re not really mine

Though you aim to please

You don’t really care

But you know you do

I cant make sense of myself

Don’t worry,

But you won’t

You care about me

But not about them

Those feelings that make me the person I am

And if I could, I’d move on

But that won’t ever be

Because you’re not really mine

Though you aim to please

You don’t really care but you know I do

You f*ck me and with me

And love me and make it

But do you care

I mean really care?

Of course you do, and don’t

When it’s too much

To bother with and stay waking for

You’d rather be in slumbers

So sweet and delightful

Than being a caring person of love

I know you don’t mean it

And that’s past your capabilities

But it’d be great if you’d think

For more than one moment

About things like my feelings

And the reason for those

The pain, it hurts me

Sometimes and always

Whenever you F*ck me or with me or near me

Not that you do that

You can’t anymore

The guilt is too much

It’s not my pain or my scars

‘Oh the scars!’ you say

What are they?

You know what I mean

My feelings and needings

And wantings and hurts

But they don’t matter the time has gone by

And no more confusings

And hurtings and pain

Because you are asleep now

And I am alone……………..

…….Good morning my love

Good morning my dear

Won’t this be a nice day

And a nice year

We’ll have so much fun and laughter, no needs

And those things are forgotten

What things, in deed

Nothing

Just love and niceness and us